Monday 30 January 2012

Old Poetry

I found these old poems of mine.
Very teenage. Very angst filled.
Here they are;

Blanketing Emotion


An eternity of wasteful watching,
Calamity is breeding, bleeding,
Purpose is lost and darkness contorts,
The eye of the storm is a placebo.
Skeletal emotions worn on a sleeve,
Do nothing but fracture fragility,
Broken hearts do nothing but bleed,
Blood runs almost eternally.
Where are my nightmares?
Why do I sleep in peace,
My mind is a battlefield,
A war between life and living.
See the happy creatures dance,
The music is like honey,
It covers all and sticks like glue,
It almost sounds like money.
Break the chorus of the night,
Seperate their harmonies,
Raise your voice and scar the sky,
Then watch the stars go out


Dead, and broken


Break the shell off.
Shrug away the suffocating dust,
I want to breathe...I want life.
But this war that rages endlessly,
Stops me living...almost stops my life.
I want to be free of rage and hate,
But why? They keep me alive.
Love is overrated anyway.
Eventually, everyone, loses.
Inevitably. Loss.
Destroy the chains of love.
Clasp on the bindings of animosity.
Please release your grip.
You win, I give up.
My life is over and love is lost...
At least I still have hate.


Crucible Mind


A fire is growing inside of me.
I'm afraid I can not extinguish it.
It burns inside and out....
The pain doesn't end.
WHY? WHY? GO! LEAVE ME IN PEACE!
The flames lick at my every thought,
And corrupt them with their vile heat,
Unpure...Unclean...My mind is dirty,
Dirty, dirty, dirty.....
STOP!
Breath in and out....slowly.
Play with fire little one,
Set yourself ablaze,
You may try to resist but,
In the end it's useless...
The power of the fire,
Will cause you to succumb,
Then you will be just like me,
Burnt out, hollow and hopelessly lost.

Sunday 22 January 2012

The Story - Part 2

Ok guys. Whoever is reading this. Not sure if it's many or any, but anyone who is, thankyou. This is part 2 of "The Story". You may notice that the characters have names now. It was getting a little too difficult without them. So please enjoy Part 2.

The Story Part 2

Everything was leading up to that Tuesday night at basketball. The boy, let’s call him “Arr”, was freaking out. In a good way. Basketball night was “the” night. He was going to ask the girl, we’ll call her “Jay”, to be his girlfriend. It was a big deal for a 17 year old kid who had had some girlfriends in the past, but nothing overly serious. It was also a really big deal, because in his mind it would finally put to bed the rumours that he was gay. He would show them all that he was straight. He liked Jay and he knew she liked him and nobody could stop him from asking her. Well, except maybe for Arr himself. As the hours ticked by and the time for basketball got closer and closer, Arr started to worry. 

What is she doesn’t actually like me?

What if she says no?

What is she is just pretending to like me so she can say no and make me look stupid?

What if I’m not good enough?

What if I’m too ugly?

And so on. He had driven himself into a frenzy of nerves, negative thoughts and stress by the time he got to the basketball stadium. He found his friends. The best friend “Merc”, the friend who he stayed with after basketball, “Em” and his other great and close friend “Dee”. The four of the played basketball together, however they were on separate teams, so there was a good friendly rivalry. Em, Dee and Merc all knew what Arr’s intentions were for the evening and gently teased him about it.

“woo gonna ask Jay out hey?”

“Better hope she says yes!”

“Gonna fuck her tonight?”

“Fucken hell Em! Calm down. I haven’t even kissed her yet”

“Yeah but if you don’t fuck her you’re a huge pussy”

“whatever man. she has to say yes to going out with me first. Then we’ll see what happens from there”

The time spent with the boys before the game hadn’t helped to calm his nerves at all. Neither had the cigarettes they sneakily shared behind the stadium as their pre-match warm up. Arr was just heading into the stadium when he saw Jay approaching. She was with her two friends from school.  He though she looked really hot that night and he thought that she might have even put in a little extra effort to look good for him. 

“Maybe she had heard he was going to ask her out and wanted me to!”, he thought.

He decided to stay outside for a bit longer and went back and sat with his mates. They had been listening to a song earlier that he thought was funny and appropriate so he started humming it gently to try and see if his mates would start singing it. Then he could join in and it wouldn’t look suspicious. His silly plan had worked and soon Arr and his three mates were sitting around, within ear shot of Jay, singing “Girlfriend” by *NSYNC*. He could see Jay smiling and laughing so was confident his plan was working. He also fancied himself somewhat of a singer so he thought that he was turning the charm all the way up to 11.

It was finally time for basketball. He went inside the stadium and played the game. It was all a blur. He tried his hardest to score points and look cool while playing all in an effort to impress Jay. In the end the game was over and the scored didn’t even matter. After the games were finished each week, everyone would grab a ball and just start shooting baskets, hanging out and talking before they had to go home. Now was his chance. He started to walk towards Jay to ask her the big question when he was stopped by one of his sort of mates from school. He was the guy that everyone was kind of friends with, everyone knew him and he enjoyed the infamy. He stopped Arr in his tracks.

“well are you gonna ask her or what man?”

“yeah im just going to do it right now”

“Bullshit, you’re pussying out, I’ll do it for you”

“No man, I want to do it myself, just leave it”

But it was too late, he was already on his way over to Jay to ask for Arr. This couldn’t be happening, Arr thought. He wanted to do it himself, to make a good starting impression and to start off this relationship right. He had to stop…

“Hey Jay. Wanna go out with Arr?”

“Of course I do, but he should ask me”

Oh god, though Arr. Its ruined now. But Jay was still looking at him and smiling. He was standing right in front of her now and a small crowd had gathered. It’s now or never, he thought.

“Jay, um, do you maybe, um want to, um go out with, um me?”

“Yes of course I do. I’ve been waiting for you to ask for ages”, she replied.

Arr thought his heart my smash out of his chest and explode like a grenade on the floor. He was so happy and it looked like Jay was too, judging be her expression.

“You better kiss her dude” someone said in the small crowd

“I will! Fuck. Talk about pressure”

Arr and Jay left the basketball stadium hand in hand. They were like the pied piper, with a stream of adolescents following, gaggling excitedly about the newest couple. The ride for Arr and Em was waiting outside so if Arr didn’t act fast he was going to have to wait for the first kiss.
He turned to Jay and kissed her. It should have been a magical, special and amazing moment except, they rushed it.

They bashed teeth together slightly, it was a bit too sloppy and was a little awkward with an audience.

“OH GOD!” thought Arr, if I ruined this first kiss, we are doomed.

Jay turned to him and kissed him on the lips, a nice quick closed mouth kiss. And the balance was restored. He was floating again. He hugged her and said goodbye. He told her he’d see her at school tomorrow and jumped in the car with Em.

Later on, when going to bed at Em’s place he was still buzzing. 

“Oh man. I can’t believe she said yes! It’s the best”

“It was my singing that got her man” said Em.

“HAHA fuck off. Whatever dude” said Arr and he slid into the double bed ready for sleep.
Em got in the other side. When Arr stayed at Em’s place they shared a double bed cause there was no other bedding. They didn’t think it was “gay”. They were just sleeping next to each other and thought nothing more of it.

Just as Arr was about to fall asleep Em rolled over and said

“you do realise that you could be sleeping in a bed with your new girlfriend Jay right now. But instead you’re sharing a bed with a dude?”

Arr rolled over pulled the covers up and sighed.

“Fuck you man”.

Monday 16 January 2012

The Story - Part 1

With everything that's been happening in the last few weeks, life has sort of come unstuck. I've been channeling a lot of my time and energy into exercise to keep myself occupied, but it's not quite enough. So I have started writing. I'm not sure if this is any good, I'm not sure if it means anything and I'm not sure if there is a point to it, but I need to focus my energy on something and writing this story is helping. It's rough and it's very personal but it's also something I feel I need to put into words. I hope to add more to this as I continue to write it and hopefully finish it some day. But until then here is the first part, also known as all I have done so far.

THE STORY - PART 1


It was 2002. He was 17. She was 14. They didn’t know each other and they had never met, but the first time he saw her, he knew. He knew they would be together. He felt it and so it had to be.  He had no idea what she felt or thought. They weren’t friends and they had never spoke, but he was sure there must be a connection between the two.

He had come to the school the previous year for two equally misguided and foolish reasons. The first, was for a girl. He thought he was in love with her and convinced his Mum to let him change to a new school in the middle of Year 10 so he could spend more time with her. Foolish. The second reason was to get away from his old school and the relentless bullying he suffered there. Everyday he heard, “FAGGOT!” “HOMO!” “OI GAY CUNT” and many more of the amazingly brilliant ways teenagers call someone homosexual. He was running away from something and towards something else. Maybe he thought that if he left and went to a new school where he had a girlfriend, nobody could or would call him gay again. He was wrong.

When somebody new starts at a school, everyone is instantly curious about why they are there and where they came from. Unfortunately for him, this new school contained kids from his old school as well as kids who were friends with his tormentors. Not even moving to the new school with a girlfriend was enough to rid him of this notorious and fabricated identity. It was nowhere near as bad though so he thought he would ride it out and it would eventually die down, especially because he had a girlfriend. The relationship, if it can be called that, didn’t last, but two things the girl had said to him stuck with him forever and changed his opinion of himself and of relationships. She had said “You are ok looking, but it’s not like you’re really hot or anything” and “It isn’t real love. It’s just pizza love”. He had to ask the girl to explain that one. “It means, like you know how you like pizza and its awesome sometimes, but you couldn’t really see yourself having pizza forever. You know, you would prefer steak or something”. He thought he understood what she meant.

At the time the first comment cut him deep. Every young boy has a massive ego and he was no exception, He couldn’t believe she was saying he was ugly, She wasn’t, but in his mind she was. He didn’t understand that beauty or “hotness” is subjective and he resigned himself to the fact that he was ugly and was going to be alone. Eventually he got over it. After the first girl broke up with him he was able to capitalise on the “new guy” phenomenon and had quite a few girls talking about him or chasing him. He still got called gay though.

The second comment cut deeper and still stings him today. What the girl was trying to explain, with a clumsy and ill fitting food analogy (especially since pizza is amazing and who wouldn’t want it for every meal), was that she couldn’t see herself being with him for the rest of her life. He was a pit stop, a detour, a speed hump on the road of love. He wasn’t the type of person the girl could see herself married to. The first girls love affair with “pizza” lasted only a few months.  But her love affair, this unknown girl, with whom he assumed he had a destiny, her love affair with “pizza” lasted 10 years before her tastes changed.

2002. He had spent the second half of 2001 at the new school and now he was settled in. He had mates and he was happy. Even though he didn’t have a girlfriend. It was a crappy school, in a crappy town in the centre of Victoria. The school was a microcosm of the town. It was filled with bogans, druggies, footy players, bitches, cool kids, nerds and so on. He straddled the line between nerd, smoker and cool kid. Well he thought he was cool anyway. At this point he wasn’t particularly interested in girls, he was still slightly jaded from his experience of moving to this new school and he was having fun going to parties and just trying to “pick up”. He had some success and was content with that. He’d heard about some new girl at school. Everyone was talking about how they were going to fuck her stupid or pick her up or some other stupid, teenage fantasy. He hadn’t seen her, but if all the other guys were going this stupid she must be something special to look at.

It wasn’t a particularly large school, but he still hadn’t really seen, or noticed her a few months into the year. By then he had a really good and small group of friends, which now included “her” brother. Not that he knew that at the time. Him and the brother became fast friends. He thought the brother was a great guy and really cool because he lived by himself in a house just around the corner from the school. It was perfect for wagging school, weekend hang outs or pretty much anything else. Not parents around to ruin the fun. Just constant video games and underage drinking and smoking. It was the life, or so he thought. It was around the time that he started spending a lot of time at the brothers house that he finally met her. She stayed there occasionally and would often go there after school to be picked up by her Mum.

It was just like any other day, he was strolling down the tech wing, which was in actual fact a large shed like structure which housed the technical classes offered by the school along with a few hundred lockers, when he saw a girl. She had dark hair, tight jeans and a FUBU jacket. She was walking by herself, parting the crowd as she moved. He was with his friends, but not the brother, and was transfixed. “Who is that?” he asked. “That’s his sister” said one mate pointing at the brother who was approaching. He was stunned, he had never seen a girl before that he had so instantly wanted to know, to kiss, to touch. He felt it in his head and his gut. “She’s not single man” mentioned his friend and he was shattered.

He got to know her over the next month or so as she went from one boyfriend to another. But the boy was patient and he knew that eventually she would see him as he saw her.  He heard the news that she was single and from that point forward he dedicated all of his time to spending time at the brothers house, hanging out with the girl, getting to know her and eventually getting the courage to ask her out. He even asked the brother if it was ok for him to ask the girl out. The brother was fine with it.

One night after school at the house, the boy was talking to the girl in the kitchen. She was sitting on the bench and he was standing nearby, leaning on the bench. They talked about nothing really, but the boy felt so happy just being with her and near her that when he left he was beaming. He practically skipped to the train station and caught his train home. When he got there he went to the nearest payphone and called his best friend.
“Hey man, guess what?!”
“What?”
“I want to go out with his sister. I really like her man”
“I knew you were gonna say that. I could tell for a while”
“Really? Oh well I don’t care, I like her heaps and I’m gonna ask her out at basketball”
“Cool man. Good luck”
“Thanks man, see ya later”

At school over the next few days the boy spent a little bit of time with the boy but not more than usual. The boy, his best friend and the girl all shared a maths class. Maths methods. The best friend knew how the boy felt and the boy was pretty sure the girl had an inkling, but the friend took it upon himself to really hammer the point home, in the most teenage and male of ways. On a table of four was the girl, another student, the best friend and the boy, all facing the same direction. The friend though the most witty and elegant way of bringing the two together was to throw balls of paper at the girl to get her attention. Once he had it he would point his steal ruler at the boy, as if it was him who had thrown the paper. The girl laughed, the boy felt embarrassed, but relived that the scheme had somewhat worked, and the best friend nudged and elbowed the boy.

TO CONTINUE